The secret side of me

It appears that few of the kink friendly women I desire have any interest in polyamoury and are well settled with their new BFs :-)

 

Spent a very enjoyable evening in the company of H, P and one of our friends whom we haven’t seen in years thanks to the efforts of her former BF, a man whom we shall perhaps refer to as the fat, stupid numptie. He is the man, bless him, who faked an asthma attack on the night when he was playing with H and I was playing with his GF because he suddenly realised that he was only happy with Poly when he didn’t have to share his girl with someone else. Which is why what could have been a very enjoyable night was cut short and was also the start of him pulling her away from visiting and socialising with me and H.?

 

So last night I saw her for the first time in years and all the feelings and desires came flooding back. This is a woman whom, a year or so before H and I started dated, I had considered asking out only to be beaten to the punch by a day by her other idiot BF. I could see myself being happy with her… and she has a damn cute Scottish accent to go with her damn cute Scottish self and I’m a sucker for a lilting Scottish accent. :-)

 

We spoke and watched movies and fussed the cats. We hugged for what is a considerable amount longer than simple politeness would dictate. Strange how something can leave you feeling both elated and disappointed at the same time? Elated because she’s back in our lives and because she was obviously happy and comfortable to be with us. There was concern that she would feel awkward and be distant but there was none of that. Disappointed because, despite knowing nothing was going to happen, there was a part of me that hoped there might be an opportunity for something more, not just that night, but long term. *Sigh*.

 

Still I can at least talk to her again on MSN or E-mail and know that he’s not monitoring everything we say. Apparently he’s now living with a man and his fiancée. My guess is within a few months he’ll have either stolen her away from him (His usual M.O.) or will be out on his ear because the man has found out about his usual M.O. and decided to put a stop to it. I know it’s wrong to wish ill of someone… but hey, I’m not that good :-)

Ok, once again I have failed to update this damn this on a regular basis. Ah well, been a stressful few weeks so I'm sure I'll get some slack cut by most people.

 
Hmmm.... so, what to say.

I need to get back in control of the world around me. Right now I feel like the world is defining who I am rather than defining myself. I'm leaping from crisis to crisis to crisis trying tkeep stuff balanced both at home and at work. 

This week I have had 2 days at work go to pot because of other people's over sights in their planning. One missing piece of equipment on wednesday (hire cost £26 a week) led to having to cancel halfof a training course at a cost to our company and the requirement for me to go back to the site next week (at our cost) to finish it off. All because a piece of paper I have been recommending for about 18 months was never written or sent out. Thursday I had an un-planned day in the office because a client rang up to say they needed a document writing and if they didn't get it then they would have 5 guys standing around doing nothing all day. Never mind that this job has been on their books for over 6 weeks.

This is not helping with me dealing with the stress at home, nor is H getting letters demadning she attend medical apointments with male doctors... which she then over reacts to so I end up getting a verbal tirade to deal with. That kind of thing makes me angry at er, which she doesn;t deserve really. None of this is her fault really. In my head I know this. But I have this voice which screams at me sometimes that she's not working but is still going out to have fun and i'm the one working but I don;t even have enough cash to go out with friends let alone away for weekends.

And it's those thoughts which drag me down.

Which is why I need to get better control of myself. I'm getting angry with the wrong people and I'm sure it's making me less of a nice person to know. Certainly it's making me less social.

I'm a whiney fucker some times. just give me a slap... only not to hard. receiving slaps is not half as fun to me as giving them